Regret; The First Reaction

The first thing that I felt upon knowing the result, is the biggest regret in my life. There is no word to describe how bad I feel that time. I keep on blaming myself for everything happened. And that time, the only thing comes into my mind to seek Allah's help by giving some miracle that this didn't happened.

Lest a soul should say, "Oh [how great is] my regret over what I neglected in regard to Allah and that I was among the mockers." (Az-Zumaar, 39:56)

I am acting beyond rational and grieving over the mistakes. There is nothing positive that can penetrate into my mind to think ahead and act accordingly. The regret was so hard on me I almost forgot about who I am. And the after effect is even worse. The grieve comes along with the regret and to one extend I want to end everything instantly.

Maha Suci Allah, dengan rahmat dan kebesaranMu, kau masih selamatkan aku dari kemurkaanMu yang lebih besar. And in the toughest period, I came to realize that there is no one could help to ease this regret except Allah, The Al-Mighty. I slowly come back to Him, cool of my mind with Quran and solah.

Betapa besar sesalanku, betapa hebat rasa bersalah dan kesalku, aku sedar aku tidak mampu mengubah apa ynag terlah berlaku ke atas diriku ini. Itu tanda kekuasaan Allah, tanda keadilanNya terhadap makhluk. Dan rasa bersalah ini menjadi titik permulaan untuk aku berubah dan merancang masa depan yang lebih baik. Aku bertekead untuk meninggalkan segala dosan yang pernah aku lakukan dan hidup dengan cara yang diredhaiNya. InsyaAllah.

There's this beautiful syair from Shaykh Mukhtar As-Shikqitee, with a very deep meaning (at least to myself) to reflect and regret.

There is no soul that will raise up, (except) to say: Oh what I have regretted,
Oh that I regret when I stayed up late at night (only for enjoyment),
Oh that I regret of the years I have wasted (for entertainment),
Oh that I regret of all the hours and moment I spent (without remembering Allah),
Oh what do I regret about those days and night,
Oh that I regret that the friend (I choose) will be no avail,
Oh that I regret that the partner I choose not to be able to advocate (to me),
Oh that I regret that my life (now) over and time has passed.