Calm Down My Dear Friend!

A very closed friend of mine come over yesterday. He called. I just knew that from the first words he uttered, he is not well and need a shoulder. I ask him to drive over to my place and prepare some simple dinner.

This friend of mine is a tough one. He never show his weak side to anyone. He keep it well to himself, and successfully hide his sadness from our eyes most of the time. But this time I knew he just need to let out. And he find me. After all, I cried over to Him too last time.

"She is getting married tomorrow"

"I know" I replied.

"I am ok she is marrying someone"

"Then?"

"She is marrying someone she doesn't love. And still in love with me" he explains. With snoobs in her sentences.

I was aghast. How the heck these could happen to someone really close to me. I am sorry I reacted indisposed but that is what I feel about it. Why on earth should you marry someone that you do not love? And at the same time you love someone else?

I knew about their relationship since years back. They are cute and good together. She is pretty, he is a mess. She is brilliant, he is stupid. They compliment each other well. But due to many uncertainty and his cowardly, things doesn't proceed well for them. And they decided to walk away from each other without telling their feeling until 1 week back.

Too bad it's too late. Nothing can be changed without creating chaos. I just listen to him. Praise to Allah, we both see the Sign from Above of what happen. He destined this to be like this.

My friend is on top of his mind over what happen. He is in control and can rationalize. I kept praying so that Allah will give him the peace he wants and get over this soon.

Well, what happened taught us life. Ultimately, He is the one we shall remember all the time.

"Kita ni insan, maksud insan tu sendiri ialah lupa...lagi2 kita ni melayu, mudah lupa"

We both mutually agree on above. Remember Allah!

I love you guys

I opened up to another 3 person, the ones that is very important in my life. My friends. Whom I know will not throw me away, stand behind me instead.

She cried a lot. And I cant bear to see her crying like that. But I choose to swallow everything in and calm her down. Telling her that I am going to be ok. She get back her smile the next day.

And send me this. Thanks

And yesterday, I told another two. The two's that is soo close we share secrets and stories. In both loud and subtle way. The one I hugged on my Day 1. And they say it's not the end of everything. And they are there for me.

Before sleep that night, one of them send this.

"Promised. On everything. Turn yourself only to HIM, that's all that I ask from you. Good night =)"

You guys are everything for me. My strength. I dont know how can I survive without. And the one in UK is upset again at me last night, soo mad that I go out until midnight. He worries his heart out.

And she Chummy text me this morning; "Demit. Kn ak d ckp. Make sure ak around if you want to tell. Y dun hear me?"

I know I am a disappointment. I'm sorry. I love you guys.

Another two. Hurm.

Apa mereka fikir?

Minggu ini, aku menghadiri satu training bersama-sama 3 lagi rakan pejabat. Training itu agak berat dan memerlukan kami untuk berfikir, mengeluarkan idea dan argument. Salah satu topic yang dibincangkan adalah code and ethics, dan fasilitator kami bertanyakan soalan;

"Kalau anda diberi kuasa, adakah anda akan mengambil seorang ex-convict (bekas banduan) yang dipenjarakan kerana kesalahan merompak berkerja dengan anda. Dia ada semua kelayakan yang diperlukan?"

Kami tidak diminta menjawab, tapi dibiarkan berbincang sesama sendiri.

Aku memandang salah seorang rakan ku. Perempuan. Menyuruhnya memberikan pendapat.

"Kalau aku, susah sikit la. Kalau boleh, aku takkan ambik."

Berkerut dahi aku. "Kenapa?"

"Ye lah, dia kan ada rekod jenayah. Mana tau jadi apa-apa dalam syarikat aku nanti."

"Mana kau tahu dia akan buat kesalahan. Entah-entah dia dah betul-betul berubah dan memang orang tu sangat berbakat. Dan macam mana kau tahu pekerja kau yang lain takkan tipu kau, dan tak ambik rasuah dan sebagainya?" balasku.

Dia hanya tersenyum tawar. Tak terkata.

"Hurm. Macam mana pula dengan orang yang ada HIV? Kau akan ambil kerja tak?" 

"Kalau HIV pun susah jugak la. Payah la nanti. Takut berjangkit."

Aku dah mula kepanasan.

"Kenapa pulak. Apa kaitan orang yang ada HIV dengan kerja? Kalau aku, aku terima je. Takde salah ape-ape kan?"

"Ye lah. Kau mungkin faham. Tapi cuba pikir pekerja-pekerja lain. Apa diorang akan rasa. Tak selesa nanti." balas rakanku itu. Aku merasakan otaknya betul-betul kosong.

"Kenapa kita nak tak nak bagi ex-convict dan orang yang ada HIV peluang yang sama? Mereka entah-entah lagi baik dari kita. Kalau aku, takde masalah lansung. Siapa kita nak cakap orang baik ke jahat."

Sejujurnya aku kecewa. Rakanku itu bukan calang-calang orang. Bijak, pandai, kerja bagus dan sangat berbakat orangnya. Malangnya fikirannya sempit. Tak mampu bersikap positif dan mudah melabel.

Aku dah mula rasa nak berceramah. Tapi aku cuba tahan. "Ni memang tabiat orang kita. Menilai orang berdasarkan perkara lepas yang mereka buat. Bukan melihat ke depan. Dan selalu menganggap seseorang tu jahat dengan status yang dibawa."

Aku berhenti di situ. Tak sanggup nak teruskan. Mungkin tak kena masa. Dan aku tahu rakanku itu cetek sekali pengetahuan tentang HIV, serta tertutup benar hatinya untuk melihat yang baik-baik dalam diri seseorang. Aku tak salahkan dia. Tapi aku berazam akan mendidik mana-mana yang boleh untuk berfikir lebih terbuka.

Yes it ruined my mood this afternoon. Aku mengadu pada sahabat-sahabatku. 

"I wish everyone is like you, her and ayah."

"To be fair you got it the wrong way pun. People memang akan judge and akan think the worse of you. It's people. Bukan you tak tau. Tapi tu dulu. Now you have change."

Aku mengakui kata-kata nya. Biarlah. Masih ada yang faham, dan mengambil berat. Tak kurang kasih sayang mereka kepadaku pun.

Ramai lagi yang masih kisah dan sayang dalam PPWM kan?

A letter to my dear friends

Dear both of you,

At this instant, you are the only one knows about my stories. I'm sorry I had to blurt it out to both of you because I can't hold it anymore. There are not even a bit of my intention to tell in the event where you guys need me the most, or to compare who has the worst stories. Let me iterate one after another, and towards the end of this letter you'll get what I really want to say.

I know both of you were really sad, disappoint and worry about me. I'm really sorry, from the bottom of my heart I made you guys feel that. I am a sinner, a jerk who follows desires without thinking deeply and an asshole who never appreciate the loves towards me. There is no word can describe how sorrowful I am to break both of you into tears.

I cannot give the assurance that I am going to be perfectly healthy and fine forever. Because no one can warrant that either. But I can bail on what can I do to be better. In fact, I understand myself more than before. I know my health status, and what shall I do if anything happen. I will take a good care of myself, and take a good care of you guys too.

Our friendships and loves doesn't start in one or two years. We've know each other for almost 10 years. I really appreciate everything that we had. We share everything. Literally everything. Happiness, sorrow, ups and downs together. Remember when we celebrated our graduation, we made our parents proud of us. One of the happiest moment in my life. And when we share tears when you had to leave for England. After all, we will never be separated and you guys will be there in me, in my heart until the end of my life. Regardless of what happen to me, to us, to everyone.

I listed down the names of people whom I am going to tell. The ones that I trusted the most. The ones that I know will never judge me and accept me for who I am. The ones who can take care of my family if something happen to me. There are the two of you, and the rest in our circle. I do not need your sympathy and pity, just enough if you can understand what I've been through and be there for me.

Apart from that, please do not refrain from telling me your stories too. Do not treat me as someone who is incapable of handling pressure and listen to you and give good advice. I am way stronger than that and you know how much I care about what happen to you too. Keep talking to me like we used to before.

We are all have our own quarter of tests Allah gave us. The one that He gave me now is destined to be on my plate. You girl have your own chunk while you man have your own carts. He write it all to us when we are 4 months old in our mom's womb and we shall accept it as our lot. Redha and do not blame anyone for what happen. Purify our heart with do'a and taubat, and pray for the better future. What happened to me taught me to be strong and have faith in Him. InsyaAllah, He will grant us Jannah, where all of ous will one day play together again in it.

Salam sayang dari hati kecil ku. I love both of you. Help to me be strong to break the news to the rest.