Dear both of you,
At this instant, you are the only one knows about my stories. I'm sorry I had to blurt it out to both of you because I can't hold it anymore. There are not even a bit of my intention to tell in the event where you guys need me the most, or to compare who has the worst stories. Let me iterate one after another, and towards the end of this letter you'll get what I really want to say.
I know both of you were really sad, disappoint and worry about me. I'm really sorry, from the bottom of my heart I made you guys feel that. I am a sinner, a jerk who follows desires without thinking deeply and an asshole who never appreciate the loves towards me. There is no word can describe how sorrowful I am to break both of you into tears.
I cannot give the assurance that I am going to be perfectly healthy and fine forever. Because no one can warrant that either. But I can bail on what can I do to be better. In fact, I understand myself more than before. I know my health status, and what shall I do if anything happen. I will take a good care of myself, and take a good care of you guys too.
Our friendships and loves doesn't start in one or two years. We've know each other for almost 10 years. I really appreciate everything that we had. We share everything. Literally everything. Happiness, sorrow, ups and downs together. Remember when we celebrated our graduation, we made our parents proud of us. One of the happiest moment in my life. And when we share tears when you had to leave for England. After all, we will never be separated and you guys will be there in me, in my heart until the end of my life. Regardless of what happen to me, to us, to everyone.
I listed down the names of people whom I am going to tell. The ones that I trusted the most. The ones that I know will never judge me and accept me for who I am. The ones who can take care of my family if something happen to me. There are the two of you, and the rest in our circle. I do not need your sympathy and pity, just enough if you can understand what I've been through and be there for me.
Apart from that, please do not refrain from telling me your stories too. Do not treat me as someone who is incapable of handling pressure and listen to you and give good advice. I am way stronger than that and you know how much I care about what happen to you too. Keep talking to me like we used to before.
We are all have our own quarter of tests Allah gave us. The one that He gave me now is destined to be on my plate. You girl have your own chunk while you man have your own carts. He write it all to us when we are 4 months old in our mom's womb and we shall accept it as our lot. Redha and do not blame anyone for what happen. Purify our heart with do'a and taubat, and pray for the better future. What happened to me taught me to be strong and have faith in Him. InsyaAllah, He will grant us Jannah, where all of ous will one day play together again in it.
Salam sayang dari hati kecil ku. I love both of you. Help to me be strong to break the news to the rest.
Graduation day is one of my worst day. Yet i had you guys and i forgot my unhappiness instantly. That is how important u guys to me. Though i was incapable of expressing myself sometimes. I will do better, I promise.
ReplyDeleteAnd dear friend, it's not sympathy or pity or disappointment. Urusan kau dgn tuhan aku xboleh campur. To be honest, i dont feel any of that. I just worry. And i cant help it. Dont u dare asking me not to cry. I hit a cat with my car pun i cry anyway. I cant help it. Let me worry. You take care of yourself so that i can worry less then i will worry again and again until i lose my heartbeat.
Tapi dont u shut me down. Ever. Because i need you too as much as you need me. Koranglah kaunter2 aduan aku for as long as He allows. I dont have anyone else to share my troublea with. And you have no idea betapa bersyukurnya aku that we get this close to each other that i finally can let down my defenses and just lean on u guys for a while. All these years i cannot find a true friend with whom i'm comfortable enough to share my troubles with. Everytime i cried in front of u guys, i felt strong again. Thank you.
Let me know if u need me around when u tell the others. I pray hard that they would share our sentiments. I trust that they will. And if they don't, just know i'm not going anywhere.
I can tell all these to u myself. But i want to tell the rest of the world that u have me. And i hope everyone out there would have someone they can hold on to, like u have me and i, you.
- C