Friday, 18 August 2017

Conceiving & the challenge!

It's been 18 months since I started my HAART. Without knowing, taking the pills is a part of my daily life now and I do not need the helps of my alarm to remind me. My biological clock works by itself now. Sharp at 10pm everyday, I will automatically swallow my pills!

The trauma of having to take pills everyday is no longer there. My wife is the biggest supporter. Only Allah knows how much I appreciate her effort. She never forget to remind even when I already did that myself. She even keep the tablets in her handbag, in case I forgot to bring when we went out.

We recently celebrated our first anniversary two weeks ago. Hehe. And we can't wait to have kids by our own. After 3 rounds of blood taking in my regular Hospital Sungai Buloh, the doctor give a green light to conceive naturally. I can loose the protection, and few tips were given to maximize the chances. To be fair, I was undetected after 6 month but the doctors still prevail me not to conceive, until the next 2 rounds of blood check-ups. This is to triple-confirm that I am really OK/safe.

But it is not as easy as that. I do not have major problem to 'make love' when using protection/condom but when I discard that, it struck me really bad. I'm soo scared that I might hurt her  or transmit what I have to her. And there you go, the thing that is supposed to be fun turned to be a nightmare. This happened few times until I am really exhausted, mentally. The trauma and the thoughts keep on coming and it distracts us again and again.

Luckily, she (with her medical background) did her reading, point out statistics and assure me that everything is gonna be fine. I am a 'safe' person, she said. And she don't mind to go through this together with me. Alhamdulillah, we manage to get things worked out. But yeah at this moment, Allah haven't give us the happiness yet. We are both busy, and the timing is not in our side. Haha. You know what I mean. We always missed the 'peak time', but we keep on trying.

Pray for us, all. And we always for everyone too. A good friend of mine proved that this gift is not an end. He did have babies, so why can't I right?

Monday, 23 January 2017

9 months - the up and downs!

Salam alaikum!

I started my pills 9 months ago, and alhamdulillah everything goes very-very well. Since diagnosed, I never had any sickness or disease - and up until today it stays that way. God pour His mercy on me, I guess.

Today is my 6 month anniversary - wedded to a beautiful woman that accepted me and promise to live together until the end of our life. Yes, I'm married last July and little was written about it - not because I do not wnat to share, but I'm so busy with life. Work is always consuming my days and the commitment towards family and in-laws.

My wife is always as supportive as ever. I glad to have her. But the married life is far harder than that. Cliche that people say, once you get married then only you know who is your real partner. But that's the truth. And I guess the same thing happen to every married individual.

Marriage is not putting your life on a gamble. If you win, you win or if you lose, you already know the possibility. Marriage is actually a war - where you cannot run from it and have to fight until you bleed, and continue fighting until winning. That the virtue. It might hurt, tear yourself apart but apparently it will heal and at the end of the day - you will find happiness.

Being a magnet couple is not easy either. I always have the fear that I might hurt her physically (that's the last thing I would imagine). Knowing the tips, techniques, the do-and-dont's is essential for a healthy relationship. I read a lot, talk to the counselor in HSB and get advises from friends who went through this earlier.

The roads are still far away. I do not wish to face death before I'm ready, but if it's written that way, at least I know I've given my best for everyone. Cheers.

p/s: If you wish to talk to me privately, write to me at hismaghfirah@gmail.com

Tuesday, 12 April 2016

Day 14

Pejam celik sudah 14 hari aku menelan HAART. Masa berlalu cukup pantas, meninggalkan segala kerisauan dan takut yang aku alami ketika mahu memulakan HAART. Kesibukan harian, kerja, urusan menjelang perkahwinan membuatkan aku terlupa lansung yang aku mempunyai komitmen ubat harian.

Well, I've been telling myself that swallowing the 2 blue and yellow tablets is nothing compare to the commitment of praying 5 times a days. It takes only 3 seconds, where I can duly perform my solah few times a day without any problem. And that thought really helps to overcome my fear for the lifelong medicine commitment.

Talking about the side effects (the other things that I fear the most), I do not have any dizziness, giddy or nauseousness. Except for some very minor lost-focus during driving, I am doing very well. My daily routine is as normal as before. But on the 9th day, some red spots started to appear on my face and spread over my neck, chest and continue down my body. It doesn't itches, but the my outer appearance changes. I turned into a red-flame lizards :p

After some consultation with the counselor in HSB, I went to the GP and take some disprospan shots and some anti-histamine pills. And alhamdulillah, the rashes slowly peel off today. I still have some red spots on my legs but eventually I believe it will go away soon.

So yeah, that's my stories so far. Will keep updating later. Hahah :)

Monday, 28 March 2016

Day-1 with HAART

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

Lama menyepi bukan bermakna aku hilang atau sudah dipanggil Ilahi, tapi menjauhkan diri kerana kesibukan kerja.

Malam tadi aku mula menelan 2 biji pil yang bakal aku telan setiap hari selagi masih bernyawa. Combination Tenvir and Stockrin. Setelah lebih 3 tahun bertahan, aku mengambil keputusan memulakan ubat untuk persediaan sebelum perkahwinan. Diikutkan, CD4 aku masih tinggi dan masih boleh bertahan, tapi atas nasihat doktor aku nekad memulakan nya.

Semoga Allah memberi kekuatan fizikal dan mental kepada kita semua!




Thursday, 15 May 2014

Doa Solat Jumaat

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Lama tidak menulis, banyak yang berlaku dalam hidup aku sejak beberapa bulan ni. Hati naik turun, gembira, sedih, kecewa bercampur-campur. Aku sedang mencari kekuatan diri untuk menghadapi setiap yang berlaku, berusaha berubah dan membuktikan yang aku akan menjadi insan yang lebih baik.

Insan tersayang berpesan, "Ubah diri dulu, Allah dan Rasul dalam setiap perkara dan baru fikir nak convince orang untuk terima awak".

Jumaat tadi, iman di masjid kariah aku membacakan doa yang cukup menyentuh hati. Cukup bermakna, dan sayu sekali. Aku hampir menitiskan air mata.

**

Ya Allah, berikanlah kami jodoh yang dapat memimpin tangan kami ke syurga.
Ya Allah, rezekikan kami isteri yang sentiasa mengajak kami kepada Islam,
Ya Allah, rezekikan kami isteri yang menghalang kami dari maksiat,
Ya Allah, rezekikan kami isteri yang sentiasa menjaga kehormatan dan memelihara diri,,
Ya Allah, rezekikan kami sahabat yang sentiasa memberi peringatan kepada kami,
Ya Allah, berikan kami sahabat yang menguatkan kami untuk bertaubat kepadamu.

Ya Allah, jauhkan kami dari sahabat-sahabat yang mengajak kami ke arah maksiat,
Ya Allah, jauhkan kami dari sahabat-sahabat yang menarik kami ke neraka Mu,
Ya Allah, jauhkan kami dari kawan yang leka,
Ya Allah, jauhkan kami dari kawan memenangkan nafsu dan perasaan.

Ya Allah, kurniakan kami kekuatan hati untuk jihad kearah agama Mu,
Dan bukanlah pintu hati kami untuk benar-benar bertaubat kepadamu.

**

Allah, aku sudah semakin jauh..

Sunday, 16 February 2014

Coming Back Stronger

Assalamualaikum wbt.

It's been more than 2 months since I last wrote here. It is not because of work demands, personal matters or health problems, but the feeling of being total hypocrite if I continue posting things, while my current-self is doing the opposite. 2 of my closest person mention that I am a hypocrite for living a life differs from what I wrote here for the past few months. I am fully aware of that, thus here the silence. Each day, my life is full of guilt and the abandonment of this reminder-blog make things worse.

Too many things happened to me over the past few months. I succumbed myself back into the dark path, even with friends who care that keep reminding. I getting big lumps on my neck, undergo an operation to remove it and get autopsied. Alhamdulillah, nothing to worry. And get myself trapped into real relationship entanglement.

Today, I am just getting over things. And gaining back my strength. After all happened, it taught me the ultimate meaning of care and friendship, which is solely because of Allah. It sounds cliché, but that's the reality. I seek forgiveness from everyone that I hurt so much again and again, and this time I'm coming back stronger, better.


Thursday, 12 December 2013

Kegembiraan dalam Kesedihan

Tatkala aku bersedih dengan pemergian sahabat baikku pada hujung November lepas, aku mendapat satu berita gembira. Berita yang aku anggap rahmat Allah dalam perjuangan diri aku, dan beberapa sahabat senasib. Setiap hari aku berdoa kepada Allah supaya memudahkan perjalanan hidup, tanpa sebarang perkara tertentu yang disebutkan. Allah itu Maha Mengetahui dan Merancang. Dia tahu setiap yang diperlukan hambaNya dan mengatur setiap sesuatu cukup indah.

Tengah hari itu, berlangsungnya pelancaran polisi baru yang menyentuh hak dan kebebasan pekerja yang hidup dengan HIV di syarikat tempat aku bekerja. Sebelum ini, tidak terdapat sebarang polisi jelas tentang status pekerja dengan HIV dan setiap dari kami hidup dalam sembunyi dan kegusaran. Berkat usaha dan kerjasama MAC dan Kementerian Kesihatan, satu polisi baru telah dilancarkan. Antara perkara yang disentuh adalah (menggunakan struktur bahasa aku sendiri):

1. PLHIV yang telah bekerja tidak akan diberhentikan atas status mereka.
2. Tidak akan ada diskriminasi terhadap PLHIV dalam prosess pengambilan pekerja baru, dan ujian HIV tidak akan dijalankan semasa saringan kesihatan.
3. Pekerja dengan HIV tidak perlu mendedahkan status mereka kepada syarikat.
4. Perlindungan kesihatan selagi tidak melibatkan penyakit berkaitan AIDS.

Perkembangan ini amat mengembirakan hatiku. Sekurang-kurangnya aku akan dilindungi dan ia pasti akan menjadi satu permulaan baik terhadap usaha mengurangkan diskriminasi terhadap PLHIV.

Allah sentiasa bersama hamba-hambaNya yang berdoa dan bertawakkal. InsyaAllah.